O que não dizer a nossos filhos?
Um “Guest post”, que escrevi para o blog Parir-se ao parir.
Desde que li “O Poder do discurso materno”, da psicóloga argentina Laura Gutman e que a ouvi falar sobre isso em um seminário em São Paulo, venho “ruminando” esta questão: o que eu devo – e talvez mais ainda o que não devo – falar para o meu filho?
Estes dias, li um texto (http://www.updateordie.com/2012/04/17/o-que-acontece-quando-voce-fica-elogiando-a-inteligencia-de-uma-crianca/) que circulou nas redes sociais sobre os malefícios causados a um garoto que ouviu muitos elogios e que foi desde cedo chamado por todos de “muito inteligente”. O texto é sobre os malefícios do rótulo, seja ele um valor “bom” ou “ruim”.
O fato é que: (1) somos mães e temos a árdua tarefa de nomear o mundo para nossos filhos; (2) mais do que o mundo externo, temos a tarefa de nomear o mundo interno: as emoções, as sensações; tudo com o que eles estão tendo contato pela primeira vez e que nós temos que buscar traduzir e nomear.
Na sociologia, alguns autores falam sobre o tal “poder de nomeação”. É o poder de oficializar algo. Algumas vezes, o poder de dar vida a algo. De dar visibilidade. Dar nome é fazer a coisa existir. No caso da nomeação para os filhos, este ato em geral é uma apresentação de algo; em seguida, quando acontecer uma segunda vez, seria um reconhecimento.
Verdade, cuidado e contato.
Quando li o livro da Laura Gutman, pensei: mas então, se eu só elogiar o meu filho, ele vai ter a autoestima ótima. Só que não. Ele simplesmente vai ser uma pessoa incapaz de reconhecer seus sentimentos e emoções e de nomeá-los (caso sejam novos) ou de ordená-los (caso já tenham nome, em seu repertório).
Na realidade, ao nomear, estamos ajudando a criança a ordenar sua mente, a se preparar para interpretar, para se (re)conhecer.
E é aí que mora o perigo de rotular.
Acho que, se tenho uma impressão a compartilhar, é a de que precisamos estar sempre atentos. Para transmitir a verdade daquele momento preciso, com cuidado e entrando em contato com o que de fato a criança está passando.
Claro que, às vezes, estamos muito cansadas e pode nos escapar um “você é muito manhoso”; ou “você está chato hoje” (Parêntesis: gente, a ideia deste texto não é ficar “cagando regra” de como cada uma deve falar com seu filho, mas sim, promover uma reflexão sobre as repetições, os reforços de ideias que viram ‘rótulos’ e que se tornam o modo como as crianças se identificam no mundo). Porque penso ser bem importante conhecer as possíveis consequências que uma frase ou uma palavra exaustivamente repetidas pelos pais podem causar na vida da criança em um longo prazo.
Na palestra da Laura Gutman, ela pede para a plateia pensar em como a nossa mãe nos chamava quando crianças. É um momento de comoção, pois todas nos damos conta de que de alguma forma, aquela(s) palavrinha(s) ficou guardada em uma caixinha bem profunda da nossa alma; e que aprendemos a nos reconhecer através dela. No meu caso, era um conjunto de palavrinhas: organizada, precoce, independente. E estas palavrinhas ecoam até hoje em mim.
Melhor estratégia?
Isso não quer dizer que devemos ficar mudas. Nem apenas elogiar. Na verdade, não existe muita fórmula, porque cada mãe é uma; cada filho é um. Mudas ou elogiosas, igualmente, não estaremos ajudando nossos filhos a se (re)conhecerem e a (re)conhecerem seus sentimentos, emoções e situações cotidianas.
Penso que – se é que existe algum “segredo” -, ele está na lealdade. A eles e a nós mesmas. No meu caso, a melhor estratégia é parar, respirar (a cada instante em que penso em proferir uma tese sobre o estado de espírito dele) e buscar entender e traduzir o que de fato está acontecendo.
Penso que atentas e com cuidado, verdade, contato e lealdade é possível contribuir para que eles se conheçam e se reconheçam e – mais do que isso – para que entendam como funciona este processo e assim estejam abertos a mudar e a se reconhecer novamente, sempre que preciso for.”
* Jornalista, pesquisadora e mãe do Miguel.
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